April 20, 2017- My guts churned as I realized the facts. The tall, thin woman missing from the group meant that she was still at large. I didn’t want to think about her on the loose, lurking around our neighbourhood, waiting for her next opportunity to cause chaos in our seemingly normal lives.
There were so many things I’d have to sort out; the new found power of Simba and what he was really capable of, getting Bernard back to his family, making sure that the prison was secured and not in imminent danger, among a laundry list of other things. I hated feeling this way; so unsure of what was to come and the feeling of not knowing who was really around me.
All of us except the small, stupid human were taken back to the prison in a police car. She was being taken to the hospital because of her injuries. The large, stupid human took Bernard back to Monty’s house where his family was waiting; I watched from the window of the prison as the large, stupid human explained the ordeal to Bernard’s parents. Thankfully they looked shocked and sympathetic and seemed happy that Bernard was safe.
“Sebastien, may I speak to you for a moment?” Simba asked. I half-heartedly turned around and expected a lecture.
“I’m glad we’re all safe, I’m glad that this didn’t turn out as a worst possible scenario,” he continued.
“I’m glad we’re back too,” I paused for a moment and wondered if I should say anything else. Before I got a chance Simba spoke, “There’s something I need to tell you.”
I gave him my full attention and sat in silence at the prospect of what he was about to say. I braced myself and held my breath.
March 27, 2017-“Why do I have to do EVERYTHING?” the tall, thin woman screamed. She continued running toward us, and by this point, the large, stupid human had defeated his captor. The henchman was laying unconscious on the gravel, but there was still one to contend with. The man tried to grab for me again, but once again I bit down on him as hard as I could while Simba bit his ankle and Bernard broke free of the muzzle.
“Get him, Bernard!” I screamed as he charged at the henchman and knocked the wind out of him as he fell to the ground in a massive heap. Bernard dragged him by the coat cuff and whipped the man’s arms around viciously. He growled and snarled and spat slobber that washed over the henchman’s face. The tall, thin woman loomed over me with a huge stick. She swung it wildly, but I was able to roll out of the way just in time.
In the distance, I saw the large, stupid human grab a knife from the henchman’s utility belt and cut himself free of his restraints.He took the knife and ran towards the small, stupid human. The tall, thin woman swung at me again and missed as I rolled in the opposite direction. I knew that I couldn’t keep her at bay much longer. Bernard gnashed his teeth but couldn’t get near the stick that separated him and the tall, thin woman.
I looked for Simba but couldn’t find him. I needed him now more than ever. The henchman that was unconscious sprung to his feet and reached for his knife. “Let me do away with this one!” he said. “It’d be my pleasure,” he snarled at me.
I heard sirens in the distance. If I could hold on until they got to us, we would be saved! I was still underneath the van when I heard something up above me. Within seconds the van roared to life and suddenly my hiding place was compromised.
August 10, 2016-I put all of the items into my virtual shopping cart and clicked on express/same day shipping. The receipt said that my order would be here no later than five pm-that was going to be a bit of a problem because the stupid humans would not be gone yet. I took a deep breath and decided that I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I grabbed my voice recorder again and started making notes.
“5 p.m.-shipment arrives. 5:15 p.m unpack shipment. 5:20 p.m take a break. 5:30 p.m stare down the horrible squirrel that taunts me from the back yard.” Things were moving along quite swimmingly and I was pleased with my time management skills. I took a quick nap and dreamt of how satisfying it would be to use my new taser on the tall, thin human.
At precisely 5 p.m the prison front bell rang. I gritted my teeth and waited for the small, stupid human to answer it. I had no idea what my plan of distraction would be but it didn’t matter because I was incredibly good at thinking on my feet. I waited for the sound of her footsteps but they never came. The bell rang again…no answer. Was it possible that the small, stupid human and the large stupid, human were dead? I supposed anything was possible.
I peered through the front door mail slit and saw the Amazon’s truck drive away-my package sat on the stoop. I placed my hand on the prison door and was just about to open it when I heard a muffled sound behind me. I quickly slipped into the stairwell and hid in the shadows. I peeked around the banister-it was only Simba. “Good Morning, I trust you slept well?” I asked unassumingly. Simba rubbed his eyes and stretched, “Yes…what are you doing?” he said with a raised eyebrow. I smiled my best smile and said, “You don’t want to know.” For a split second he paused, “You’re right…” he said and turned on his heels and went back to the nest.
April 28, 2016-The footsteps drew nearer and I held my breath in anticipation. The lights flicked on and there stood both of the stupid humans.They looked at the nest and then at each other, the look on their faces told me that they were astounded with the vision in front of them.
The small, stupid human slowly approached the nest and paused. She looked at the sleeping mongrel and he opened his eyes. Monty gave her the saddest look I’ve ever seen, it was so sad that it was pathetic actually. This would never work on the small, stupid human even if she was a total idiot-she would see through his thinly veiled plan and punish him at any moment…I waited.
She sat down on the nest with him and stroked his coat gently. He lifted his head and nudged her, she embraced him and he gave her a disgusting, slobbery kiss. WHAT WAS HAPPENING?! My jaw hung open with amazement. Had I been outsmarted by a lesser species? No, this could not be possible! My eyes darted to the doorway and the large, stupid human was gone. I emerged from my hiding place and like a ninja, I crept into the doorway of the livingroom to see what he was doing; the large, stupid human was cleaning up the mess! He swept up the shattered glass and put the room back in order in complete silence.
The small, stupid human entered the living room with the mutt.She looked around for a moment as she surveyed the damage, she finally said quietly, “So what do you think happened here?” The large, stupid human turned to her and said, “Seabass happened…I have no doubt.”
April 22, 2016 – The small, stupid human was standing on the front stoop with her hands on her hips; she looked worried. I remained perched on the branch just a few feet above her sight line and the large, stupid human did not see me either. The wind was blowing quite fiercely so I decided to retreat to a few branches below; this was a mistake because the hell hound caught my scent and started barking. He sniffed around the base of the tree and looked up…I had been discovered!
I quickly but carefully scaled the tree to the highest branch. The idiot canine danced around the bottom of the trunk and continued to bark; he pointed his nose in the air and alerted the humans to my location. The small, stupid one called my name and tried to coax me down from the branches but I would have none of it; I would not go back to captivity without a fight!
The view was magnificent from where I sat, I could see everything! The humans were frantic and I could hear the large, stupid one speak into some sort of device; he was relaying the fact that I was in the tree top and that he could not reach me. I was quite comfortable and would not mind bunking here for the night but my plans to do so were in vain. I sat and admired the night sky for awhile when I noticed a large, red truck with a hose and a staircase had turned onto the street; it stopped right in front of the prison and a man got out. He spoke with the prison warden and she pointed in my direction. He started to manoeuvre some sort of staircase and before I knew it he was almost eye level with me.
There was nowhere for me to go but down and once I realized how high up I was I started to get dizzy. I clutched the tree and the man in the uniform gently pulled me from the branch; the small, stupid human was crying again and the man handed me over to her. TRAITOR! I heard the large, stupid human mutter something like, “I could’ve done the same thing but I don’t have a ladder that’s tall enough…” I writhed with anger in the small, stupid one’s grasp and scratched at her face, the pain was too much for her to bear and she let go of me. I raced away from her clutches and returned to my backpack to gather my things when I spotted my arch nemesis…STEPHANIE.
The large, stupid human put on his running shoes after incessant nagging by the small, stupid one. I imagine that I would’ve given in as well, as there was no hope of her ever stopping until she got what she wanted.
I had a small sack packed with some essentials; my book The Great Catsby, some vittles that I had been sneaking away from the food room and storing in my lair, my grooming tool and my diary of course. I stuffed the items into a small backpack and hoisted it onto my shoulders. I was ready. I laid in wait until the large, stupid human attached a rope to Monty’s necklace; the door opened and freedom beckoned. I snuck quietly out the prison gate and victory was mine! I had made it! Misson Impossible was completed!
I stealthily hid in the bushes to remain undetected; I took off my backpack and decided that this would be my base. I would explore the outside world and return to my supplies if I needed them. At this point, the large, stupid human had become a smudge on the horizon and I decided that it would be a good time to venture out. I prowled close to the ground-there were noises that I had never heard before and things that I had never seen or smelled before, what a glorious expedition thus far!
I travelled further into uncharted territory and was soon at the base of the birch tree that stood in the prison yard; I had two choices, I could turn left at the edge of the grass or I could climb the birch tree to get a better vantage point and decide on a direction. I chose the latter and climbed the trunk of the tree, I quickly scaled to the top and perched atop a large branch…I could see everything including the large, stupid human and the canine beast who were returning from their voyage. All of the sudden the small, stupid human burst forth from the prison gate; she shouted at the large, stupid one and his canine companion, “I can’t find Seabass anywhere!” Her voice was filled with disdain. “Did you check the ceiling?” the large, stupid human asked with a smirk.
Little did they know that I was only a few feet above them and I was watching the whole thing unfold exactly how I had planned!
April 20, 2016- I crept out from my hiding spot and trotted down the hallway, I had to see this! The small, stupid human was wrestling what was left of the roasted chicken away from the hell hound. Simbicile was sitting in the corner grooming himself as if he had no idea how the chicken got into the jaws of the canine beast, but he had failed to clean a large hunk of meat from his own face!…Idiot!
The small, stupid human picked up the carcass and threw it in the trash…I suppose they would have to feast on a dry kibble called Capn Crunch again; I knew this because this is what the large, stupid human usually ate for dinner when the small, stupid one was working late. Monty trudged over to the small, stupid human and tried to make amends by covering her in his slobber. How disgusting and most ungentlemanly; I would never dream of doing such a thing to a human…you never know what germs and viruses they contain.
At this point the large, stupid human finally arrived and restrained the hell hound. He ensured that none of the carcass was consumed and that Monty had not swallowed any bones. He had not and would live to see another day much to my bewilderment and disappointment. The small, stupid human scooped up Simbicile and scolded him for his implication in the crime; he looked at me with displeasure and it warmed my frigid soul. A most excellent day so far!
I know that canines are vapid, vacuous creatures that can do little on their own without the assistance of humans but I had no idea to what extent. Apparently canines need to be let outside, to use their litter box…in public…where everyone can see them. But it gets worse, the stupid humans must gather the canines excrement in small baggies! I am unsure of what happens next, perhaps this is what is used to grow more canines…perhaps a fertilizer of some sort?
I formulated a plan and decided that when the mighty beast went for his evening ritual that I would escape undetected…now all I had to do was wait. Freedom would once again be in my grasp.
April 13, 2016- Victory was mine and my evil plan was working! I had made the small, stupid human believe that it was Simba who caused the mass destruction! I jumped down from her shoulder and sauntered down the hallway to the food room and the human and I parted ways but Simbicile followed me.
I sat splendidly, in all of my glory, in front of my food dish. I knew Simbicile would want a word with me and I was prepared. “What the hell was that?” He asked me in an angry tone. I smiled sweetly and licked my paw, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I answered in my most pleasant voice. He stood nose to nose with me and glared into my stunning, emerald eyes and hissed, “YOU are the one who made the mess, NOT Me, but I took the blame for it!” I chuckled and said, “I did nothing of the sort! How dare you accuse me of doing such a thing?” I could barely contain my laughter! At this point Simbicile was very angry and his breath quickened, he showed his teeth to me and growled.
I could hear the small, stupid human coming down the hallway so I put my plan into action. I swatted Simbicile across the face as hard as I could and ran a few steps away. This enraged him and he tackled me to the floor, he bit me on the jugular and I screamed at the top of my lungs! The small, stupid human rushed over and rescued me from his murderous grip, I whimpered for effect when she held me and she stroked me softly. I rubbed against her face, (desperate times call for desperate measures) and purred. “Simba! That’s enough!” she shouted at him. His eyes got wild with indignation and I could see he was about to snap…my evil plan was unfurling exactly how I wanted it to!
It could have all ended here if Simbicile was a little brighter but of course it didn’t. The small, stupid human released me from her grasp and Simba took a step towards me, I pretended to cower in fear and the small, stupid human addressed him again, “That’s enough!” She turned around and I witnessed one of the most magnificent events that would ensure my innocence…I couldn’t believe what I saw….
Hello everyone, Sorry for the delay in my entry! The small human ran a 30 km race yesterday and is in extreme pain…she can barely sit down…But who cares about her? Certainly not I! You know why? Because she did it to herself!
April 4, 2016-Today has been uneventful. I slept in my lair for most of the day because depression has fallen over me like a cloud on a rainy day. I have decided that I need to work on my exercise regime…in no way do I wish to look like Simbicile and I’m afraid I’m starting to get soft around the edges. I came up with an excellent exercise to improve my forepaw strength and my abdominal muscles as well; I stood in front of the new drapes and jumped as high as I could, I dug in my claws, relaxed and just hung there, suspended, high above the ground. I slowly released my back claws and pulled myself up to the top bar of the curtains. I walked along the bar and jumped to the ground…I repeated this five times.
After working up quite the appetite I went to the kitchen and followed a tantalizing aroma to a bin where the humans store their scraps of meat and other foodstuffs. I climbed inside and the bin fell sideways, it scattered a glorious buffet of meats and other delicacies onto the freshly washed floor. Simbicile tried to approach the smorgasbord but I protected the perimeter by growling deeply at him. I am quite sure that I sounded like the king of the jungle and he quickly retreated in terror, only to watch me from a distance in the dark. Let it be known that this was my revenge for the moth. I was quite curious why the small human did not attend to me…in situations like this she usually ruins all of my plans…perhaps her injuries have taken her life or broken her spirit at least…of these two things I can only hope!
I went into the humans’ litterbox room and turned on the sink faucet…I’m not sure why but I can only ever open the one that contains the hot water. I sat on the countertop and enjoyed the steam, it was absolute bliss and I enjoyed my own personal sauna time as most times I have to share with the small human. I retreated from my exhilarating steam bath and sat by the barrier. Alas, a human out for a walk with some sort of canine. I had seen this canine many times and had heard the human address the hideous creature as Cinnamon.Cinnamon is my arch nemesis…or one of the top twelve at least. I hated her with every fibre of my being. Every time she walked by I positioned myself to puff out my luxurious, shiny mane and defend my territory. I hissed and spat at the clear barrier so that Cinnamon would know she was not welcome here. It worked and she kept guiding the blind man to his destination…If only I had a stick to throw! Oh what a glorious day that would be! Stupid human…putting your life in the hands of a canine, have you no sense?! Speaking of stupid humans the small one, who makes my life a living hell, was nowhere to be found. I dashed to her nest and there she was, fast asleep. I stepped on her face because she was blocking the only entry way to the large humans pillow. This disturbed her from her slumber and she slowly rolled out of bed. I watched her hobble like a three legged toad and mocked her! She would never be able to catch me in her condition, victory was finally mine!
April 1, 2016– Simba fears that the small human will starve to death so he brings her sustenance in the form of various items he scavenges …this is why I think they are in cahoots with eachother and are plotting my demise. I will be extra vigilant because I don’t know what they are conspiring about behind closed doors. I tend to believe that the small human is not hungry but is just too stupid to hunt …Simba seems to take pity on her but I never will. I have been storing small scraps of meat in the furnace grate to keep up my strength and because I never know when my next meal will be.
Today I will be keeping watch from my perch on the back of the couch and surveying the neighborhood for any approaching danger. I do hope the zombies are out this morning, I have formed an alliance with them as they could potentially free me from captivity. It has been 2,190 days in these deplorable conditions and it is more than I can bear. I practice my evacuation drills by running at top speed down the hallway and down the stairs. I repeat this four times every day at precisely 2am. I finish my training by sharpening my claws on the new carpet at the top of the staircase. I will shred the fabric to my liking unless the small human lunges at me which often happens. Sometimes she does capture me, (most of the time I cunningly elude her grasp) but I push my paws onto her face to make space between us. She speaks to me in some sort of imbicileinan language that I cannot understand. I swat at her face and she releases me immediately…such a wretched woman.
I am making progress with my plans for the large human of which he is unsuspecting. I am bending his will to my own and have made him my litter box butler. I deliberately scatter the gravel all over the floor so he must clean it up…Peasant. I’ve located the newest piece of furniture and stretched up as high as I can…I dig all ten claws into it and slowly pull down. This pleases me very much, the feel of leather between my toes is glorious…it is the only pleasure I have.