August 10, 2016-I put all of the items into my virtual shopping cart and clicked on express/same day shipping. The receipt said that my order would be here no later than five pm-that was going to be a bit of a problem because the stupid humans would not be gone yet. I took a deep breath and decided that I would cross that bridge when I came to it. I grabbed my voice recorder again and started making notes.
“5 p.m.-shipment arrives. 5:15 p.m unpack shipment. 5:20 p.m take a break. 5:30 p.m stare down the horrible squirrel that taunts me from the back yard.” Things were moving along quite swimmingly and I was pleased with my time management skills. I took a quick nap and dreamt of how satisfying it would be to use my new taser on the tall, thin human.
At precisely 5 p.m the prison front bell rang. I gritted my teeth and waited for the small, stupid human to answer it. I had no idea what my plan of distraction would be but it didn’t matter because I was incredibly good at thinking on my feet. I waited for the sound of her footsteps but they never came. The bell rang again…no answer. Was it possible that the small, stupid human and the large stupid, human were dead? I supposed anything was possible.
I peered through the front door mail slit and saw the Amazon’s truck drive away-my package sat on the stoop. I placed my hand on the prison door and was just about to open it when I heard a muffled sound behind me. I quickly slipped into the stairwell and hid in the shadows. I peeked around the banister-it was only Simba. “Good Morning, I trust you slept well?” I asked unassumingly. Simba rubbed his eyes and stretched, “Yes…what are you doing?” he said with a raised eyebrow. I smiled my best smile and said, “You don’t want to know.” For a split second he paused, “You’re right…” he said and turned on his heels and went back to the nest.
April 28, 2016-The footsteps drew nearer and I held my breath in anticipation. The lights flicked on and there stood both of the stupid humans.They looked at the nest and then at each other, the look on their faces told me that they were astounded with the vision in front of them.
The small, stupid human slowly approached the nest and paused. She looked at the sleeping mongrel and he opened his eyes. Monty gave her the saddest look I’ve ever seen, it was so sad that it was pathetic actually. This would never work on the small, stupid human even if she was a total idiot-she would see through his thinly veiled plan and punish him at any moment…I waited.
She sat down on the nest with him and stroked his coat gently. He lifted his head and nudged her, she embraced him and he gave her a disgusting, slobbery kiss. WHAT WAS HAPPENING?! My jaw hung open with amazement. Had I been outsmarted by a lesser species? No, this could not be possible! My eyes darted to the doorway and the large, stupid human was gone. I emerged from my hiding place and like a ninja, I crept into the doorway of the livingroom to see what he was doing; the large, stupid human was cleaning up the mess! He swept up the shattered glass and put the room back in order in complete silence.
The small, stupid human entered the living room with the mutt.She looked around for a moment as she surveyed the damage, she finally said quietly, “So what do you think happened here?” The large, stupid human turned to her and said, “Seabass happened…I have no doubt.”
April 13, 2016- Victory was mine and my evil plan was working! I had made the small, stupid human believe that it was Simba who caused the mass destruction! I jumped down from her shoulder and sauntered down the hallway to the food room and the human and I parted ways but Simbicile followed me.
I sat splendidly, in all of my glory, in front of my food dish. I knew Simbicile would want a word with me and I was prepared. “What the hell was that?” He asked me in an angry tone. I smiled sweetly and licked my paw, “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I answered in my most pleasant voice. He stood nose to nose with me and glared into my stunning, emerald eyes and hissed, “YOU are the one who made the mess, NOT Me, but I took the blame for it!” I chuckled and said, “I did nothing of the sort! How dare you accuse me of doing such a thing?” I could barely contain my laughter! At this point Simbicile was very angry and his breath quickened, he showed his teeth to me and growled.
I could hear the small, stupid human coming down the hallway so I put my plan into action. I swatted Simbicile across the face as hard as I could and ran a few steps away. This enraged him and he tackled me to the floor, he bit me on the jugular and I screamed at the top of my lungs! The small, stupid human rushed over and rescued me from his murderous grip, I whimpered for effect when she held me and she stroked me softly. I rubbed against her face, (desperate times call for desperate measures) and purred. “Simba! That’s enough!” she shouted at him. His eyes got wild with indignation and I could see he was about to snap…my evil plan was unfurling exactly how I wanted it to!
It could have all ended here if Simbicile was a little brighter but of course it didn’t. The small, stupid human released me from her grasp and Simba took a step towards me, I pretended to cower in fear and the small, stupid human addressed him again, “That’s enough!” She turned around and I witnessed one of the most magnificent events that would ensure my innocence…I couldn’t believe what I saw….