April 20, 2016- I crept out from my hiding spot and trotted down the hallway, I had to see this! The small, stupid human was wrestling what was left of the roasted chicken away from the hell hound. Simbicile was sitting in the corner grooming himself as if he had no idea how the chicken got into the jaws of the canine beast, but he had failed to clean a large hunk of meat from his own face!…Idiot!
The small, stupid human picked up the carcass and threw it in the trash…I suppose they would have to feast on a dry kibble called Capn Crunch again; I knew this because this is what the large, stupid human usually ate for dinner when the small, stupid one was working late. Monty trudged over to the small, stupid human and tried to make amends by covering her in his slobber. How disgusting and most ungentlemanly; I would never dream of doing such a thing to a human…you never know what germs and viruses they contain.
At this point the large, stupid human finally arrived and restrained the hell hound. He ensured that none of the carcass was consumed and that Monty had not swallowed any bones. He had not and would live to see another day much to my bewilderment and disappointment. The small, stupid human scooped up Simbicile and scolded him for his implication in the crime; he looked at me with displeasure and it warmed my frigid soul. A most excellent day so far!
I know that canines are vapid, vacuous creatures that can do little on their own without the assistance of humans but I had no idea to what extent. Apparently canines need to be let outside, to use their litter box…in public…where everyone can see them. But it gets worse, the stupid humans must gather the canines excrement in small baggies! I am unsure of what happens next, perhaps this is what is used to grow more canines…perhaps a fertilizer of some sort?
I formulated a plan and decided that when the mighty beast went for his evening ritual that I would escape undetected…now all I had to do was wait. Freedom would once again be in my grasp.
April 18, 2016-I had one foot out the door and could feel the sunlight on my face, what a glorious feeling! I turned around and took one last glimpse of Simba, he was sitting behind me and he smiled and waved…I had been mistaken about him and I was sorry. I would miss that old chap and would remember him fondly from this moment on. I turned back to freedom and was met with a sloppy, wet, lather of an enormous tongue that hit me directly in the face.
I lost my balance and skittered back into the doorway in shock, what was this thing? The light blinded me momentarily and the creature came at me again, I could feel Simba’s hands on me once more as he pushed me towards the massive animal. I dug in my claws with all of my might and resisted. At the same time my vision restored itself and my eyes fell on the rope that the smaller human was holding… at the end of it was a canine.
The canine was the biggest that I had ever seen! He stood ominously over top of me and I shook in fear as he scanned my body, I was frozen in terror. My brain rattled around for a second and I screamed out, “TRAITOR!” at Simba who was laughing at my expense. This was why he pushed me towards what I thought was freedom! I swatted the canine across the face and made a break for it but alas my attempt to flee was in vain.
The small, stupid human scooped me up and embarrassed me in front of the the canine. She scolded me publicly and said, “Seabass, where are your manners? Monty is going to be our guest for a week while his family is on vacation.” She pulled me into herself and cuddled me, I wanted to rip her face off but was still panicked from my encounter with the hell hound so I did nothing.
The small, stupid human took the rope from the other stupid human and the prisoner transfer was completed. I glared at Simba…he loved canines and would have no problem conversing with or tolerating the wretched animal; I on the other hand would make this a week for the record books…I would not rest until I tortured the poor soul into leaving.
April 14, 2016- The small, stupid human turned her back to Simbicile after scolding him. A rage inside of him bubbled up because of the false accusations and he could take no more. He CHOMPED down on the back of her ankle as hard as he could and she squealed out in pain! This was one of the best days of my life! I prayed that the wound was deep enough that she would slowly pass away from blood loss.
Simbicile let go of her ankle and sped away…perhaps he was learning a few things from me? One could only hope! His alliance would make it easier to do away with the humans. The small, stupid one hobbled to the litterbox room and cleaned her wounds. I laughed loudly…what a glorious turn of events; I would soon dethrone Simbicile to become the chosen one! I watched from a distance; Simbicile slowly crept into the litterbox room and sat loyally beside the stupid one’s feet. She cleaned the dripping blood off of herself and just stared at him. “I have no idea what’s gotten into you but I don’t like it!” She said to him and this seemed to crush his spirit. But their bond was stronger than I thought…she gently picked him up and held him. He rubbed his face against hers and started to purr.
But why? What was happening? My plan had failed and I was angry! Their act made my blood run even colder and at that moment I realized that their bond could never be broken no matter what…and at that moment I made a choice. I would not frame Simbicile anymore, no, I would take ownership of my destruction and create more chaos. While those two idiots were canoodling, I would be plotting more mayhem and would begin at this very moment to resume my reign of terror. I raced into the food room and jumped onto the counter, there was foliage in a glass container with dirt in it; I swatted it onto the floor, dirt spilled everywhere and there was a thunderous crash! I continued to throw objects to the floor that got in my way; there was no stopping me! A jug full of liquid, a glass plate, even a jar of treats all crashed to the floor. The jar that held our rewards when we were “good kitties” spilled open (We barely ever received these morsels because the small, stupid human clearly did not recognize good behaviour) and I ate as many as I could as quickly as I could because I could hear impending doom… and it was headed straight for me…
The canine had located me. I swatted at his nose with my huge paw and he retreated in agony. The alien leader reached behind the cell where I was and captured me. The fight was over; I was returned to the examination room where I was injected with some sort of poison…I am sure that’s how the label read, “RABIES VACCINE.” I was lowered back into the animal trapping station and transported back home by the small, stupid human.
We arrived home without incident but I was about to change all of that. I entered the prison and Simbicile was on site for my arrival. He examined me thoroughly and when he was satisfied with his findings, he hissed and growled at me; but I couldn’t blame him, I had the smell of the alien all over me.He exiled me from the top floor so I retreated to my lair and groomed myself frantically to rid myself of the repugnant scent. The small, stupid human would pay for this and she would pay for it dearly. How dare she even entertain the thought of bringing me to the aliens? Oh my revenge would be slow and justified; my reign of sheer terror was about to begin and it would be magnificent!
For the next few hours I thought about how to repay the small, stupid human for her betrayal and then, like a wonderful strike of lightning, it came to me in a dream. I awoke with a marvellous, sinister plan and decided it was never too early to start putting it into action! I ascended up the basement steps and calmly scoured the house for the small, stupid human and the large one; they were gone. Excellent! It was time to begin. Simbicile was snoring peacefully in his lodgings but not for long…
I was going to disconnect the power to the furnace but first I had to find a way in to disable it. This would cause the humans to freeze to death and finally I would be rid of them and attain my freedom! I entered the basement ceiling through a cold air return vent that was left open by the large, stupid human. He seemed to be repairing the flooring and no doubt would return to the prison soon…there was little time before his arrival so I had to act quickly. Simbicile saw me enter the hole and warned me not to proceed, but I reminded him of his place with a swift swat to the face. He left me in peace and returned to his slumber ; I continued my mission.
I made my way through a series of twists and turns and soon found myself at a barrier. I was stuck in this labyrinth and disoriented; I could not find a way out of the basement ceiling and my mission of disconnecting the furnace had failed. No matter, I had a plan B at the ready to torture the humans. The large, stupid human had returned and continued his work. In the mean time, I made the best of the situation and slept more soundly that I had in years…I was quite comfortable lodged at the end of a corridor, high above the floor, nestled inside the ceiling. A few hours later the large, stupid human seemed to notice my departure…there was a pitch of worry in his voice as he called for me, as if I would really respond to his desperateness. He had entered the basement and I could hear him on an electronic device talking to the small human. He said that he was worried that I could not be located…idiot, for I was mere inches above his very head, hidden behind plaster and paint. He disconnected from the small, stupid human and continued his desperate attempt to find me before she got home.
April 2, 2016- It is finally Caturday. This morning I’m feeling quite satisfied because last night there was a wonderful stroke of luck…the large human left the milk out. Because I am quite cunning, I pretended not to notice. I did not want to alert the humans to their fatal error. After the humans retired to their nest, I jumped atop the counter. To my surprise there was also a fresh, uncovered, half stick of butter. I ate the butter first. Simbicile, that’s my nickname for my father,watched the events unfold and did nothing. I took pity on him and threw the milk carton to the floor and we feasted long into the night. It did not build camaraderie between us for we drank in silence…I prefer it that way. I slept like I have never slept before…sleep, glorious sleep, which has eluded me for so long, had finally come.
I crept into the humans nest…I saw a sudden movement. I attacked with full force and the small human wailed out in agony. She shouted my name and grabbed her lower paw. I drew blood and this finally got the lazy human out of the nest. The large human did not move..I did not check to see if he was dead, but I hoped so with all of my heart. As the small human retreated to clean her wounds, I made myself comfortable. The small human shouted again but this time it came from the feeding station. She had discovered the remains of our feast. She shouted my name again and I heard her footsteps coming towards me. I immediately flew under the nest, into the corner where she could not reach me. Again…Simbiclie just sat there and watched. This angered me very much so I raced from my safe spot and lunged at him. I suddenly felt the milk churn in my guts…I projectile vomited all over him and the small human. The small human scooped me up and we headed for the litterbox room. She turned on the faucet…but I would have none of it. I bit down on her as hard as I could and she shrieked in terror, I fled to my lair and the large human still did not wake from his slumber.