September 2, 2016- I barrelled down the driveway and turned the corner at full speed. I was a man on a mission! Simba was right behind me, albeit a bit out of breath but that was normal for him. He was how would you say…a little less fit than I was. We arrived at Monty’s door and I paused for a second…”How are we going to do this?” I said. “What do you mean?” Simba asked. “I mean we can’t just knock on the front door and tell Monty to come outside…and…the last time he stayed at our house I kind of made his life miserable,” I said.
“Yes you did! And there was no need for that by the way,” Simba scolded. “Maybe it’s better if YOU ask him to help us…I can’t imagine he’d say no to you…he likes you remember?” I said. “Fine…I’ll ask but if he says no, don’t be surprised. Hide in the bushes so he doesn’t see you,” Simba said. I did as he told me and hid in the nearby bushes. I watched as Simba knocked on the front door. There was no answer. “Knock again! This time LOUDER!” I said. Simba motioned for me to get back into the bushes and then he knocked again and waited. No answer. Simba turned on his heels and walked towards me but stopped suddenly. “Did you hear that?” he asked. “No…what are y..” I stopped mid sentence, “I heard it that time! It sounds like it’s coming from the back yard.” “What do you think it is?” Simba said. I detected a slice of fear in his voice and to say that I was a bit nervous would be an understatement, “There’s only one way to find out…let’s check out the backyard.”
May 3, 2016-I could’t believe what was happening in front of my eyes. The huge amounts of light were from the street lamp that had seeped into the secret hallway-the hallway led to a large opening where some sort of vent had fallen off and revealed the outside world. Simba stood right outside of the opening on the lush green grass and he was surrounded by what seemed like a secret society of animals.
A bandit who wore a mask (talk about being obvious…if you’re going to rob someone be a little more creative), a chipmunk with a chubby little face, a creature with a black and white streak down it’s tail (who smelled terribly if I am being honest about things), and a fella who moved as slow as molasses (he wore some sort of hard armour…looked like a shell) and finally a creature that looked like a large rat but had a longer tail and was quite experienced in playing dead, were all gathered in a circle. I stayed in the shadows and listened to their conversation. Thoughts raced through my mind…were these creatures ex-mercenaries like myself? Did Simba recruit them so that he could exact his revenge on me? Perhaps he was recruiting them to do away with Monty…one could only hope.
“Attention everyone, attention!” Simba said as he called the secret meeting to order; I held my breath and slunk to the ground. “We all know why we’re here, we need to work together in order to obtain our mutual goal and without eachother we will not be successful.” My heart beat faster, I saw Simba reach into his pocket and pull out some sort of pamphlet. “Operation Luigi’s Catering will commence in two weeks from tonight!”
I shrank back into the hallway… my mind swirled with all of the new found information..with Simba at the helm of this dangerous heist, it would not end well for anyone.
April 30, 2016- I shook my head in amazement and it occurred to me that no matter what I did I would get blamed for it. I thought about that for a moment…so if I was going to get blamed for something I didn’t do, I might as well do whatever I want anyway! Yes of course! From now on I would do what I want!
I glared at Monty and I’m sure that my hateful stare struck fear deep into his heart. He did not remember who he was messing with! I am an evil genius, ice water runs through my veins and there is nothing that I am not capable of! Perhaps the mutt needed a gentle reminder of his place in our prison-perhaps I would be just the one to teach him that he was lowest on the totem pole…even lower than the stupid humans as far as I was concerned.
Later that night the stupid humans settled in front of the idiot box with the mutt and ate some sort of popped corn…I particularly like this stuff-especially the butter like topping which I lick off the corn kernels when no one is watching. I had already done that to this particular serving and watched as the stupid humans consumed it by the handfuls. As I watched them gorge…the large, stupid one especially, I realized that I needed a plan. A plan to get rid of the mutt for good but I would need help for what I had in mind…I would have to recruit Simba. I looked around-usually he did not leave the small, stupid human’s side, they were inseparable…but he was not at his usual post. I rushed to his hiding spot and he was not there either…it seemed as though Simba was missing.
April 28, 2016-The footsteps drew nearer and I held my breath in anticipation. The lights flicked on and there stood both of the stupid humans.They looked at the nest and then at each other, the look on their faces told me that they were astounded with the vision in front of them.
The small, stupid human slowly approached the nest and paused. She looked at the sleeping mongrel and he opened his eyes. Monty gave her the saddest look I’ve ever seen, it was so sad that it was pathetic actually. This would never work on the small, stupid human even if she was a total idiot-she would see through his thinly veiled plan and punish him at any moment…I waited.
She sat down on the nest with him and stroked his coat gently. He lifted his head and nudged her, she embraced him and he gave her a disgusting, slobbery kiss. WHAT WAS HAPPENING?! My jaw hung open with amazement. Had I been outsmarted by a lesser species? No, this could not be possible! My eyes darted to the doorway and the large, stupid human was gone. I emerged from my hiding place and like a ninja, I crept into the doorway of the livingroom to see what he was doing; the large, stupid human was cleaning up the mess! He swept up the shattered glass and put the room back in order in complete silence.
The small, stupid human entered the living room with the mutt.She looked around for a moment as she surveyed the damage, she finally said quietly, “So what do you think happened here?” The large, stupid human turned to her and said, “Seabass happened…I have no doubt.”
Monty snarled at me and bared his teeth; I had infuriated him and the best part was that he could not reach me under the nest. His massive body excluded him from tiny spaces but I was like liquid; I could seep into any spot and take on its shape…it was just another awesome feature of being me! He yelled at me but we do not speak the same language so I could not understand a thing he was saying. Perhaps this is why our species does not get along.
I imagined that the aftermath of our foot race was extraordinary, I did not look back to see the destruction but I heard glass drop to the floor…my assault on Monty was just the beginning! I could hear the humans unlocking the front door and waited with anticipation; I could barely contain myself, I wanted to hear them chastise the poor mutt. Monty heard the front door open as well and then something astonishing happened…Monty climbed up onto the nest and pretended to be asleep! How dare he! Why was he not greeting the humans like usual? Normally he shook his entire backside and ran in circles upon their arrival-what was happening?
I froze and waited, surely the stupid humans were not that…well…stupid. A huge gasp was heard down the hall and finally, “MONTY!” was yelled; the word thundered through the house! Boy, was he in for it, I just hoped that I could sneak out and witness the punishment. Monty did not move from his post. He laid on the nest and kept his eyes closed; his name was called again. He ignored the humans request to go to them and that is when I heard the sound urgent footsteps-they were coming for us.
April 26, 2016-I retreated to my lair and tried to push Stephanie out of my mind. I tossed and turned throughout the night and images of her unfaithfulness kept me awake. My heart grew more cold with every passing hour. I finally decided what I would do; I would purge her from my thoughts by keeping myself occupied. I would rise from the ashes once again like a mighty Phoenix. I would make myself so busy causing chaos that I would be too tired to think of her when the night came. I grabbed my notebook and began writing furiously. I scribble the words OPERATION MONTY at the top of the page.
The next morning I awoke and felt much better than I had the night before. I would not let ANYONE get me down; for a split second yesterday I let someone take away my power, I let her get inside of my head and distort my reality…this would never happen again. I would never allow someone to make me feel less than the magnificent beast that I truly am! Victory would once again be mine!
I emerged from my lair and carefully searched for Monty. I did not want him to know about the unfortunate fate that was soon to befall him. There he sat, drool hung from his bottom lip, and a stupid look covered his face. I’m not really sure if he had any other look to be honest. The filthy beggar. I crept up the staircase, Simbicile was sleeping and I tiptoed over him with out waking him…success. Monty was staring at the wall…sigh…yes the wall, I snuck up behind him and acquired my target; I chomped down as hard as I could on his tail and fled at full speed from the living room. He howled in pain and like a bull in a china shop he smashed into a large cabinet. The sheer force of his body knocked over many valuable glass items inside and they shattered into thousands of tiny pieces! He skidded down the hallway and our high speed chase had only begun! I slid into my hiding place and avoided the gnashing of his jaws. I felt exhilarated and happy to be back!
April 22, 2016 – The small, stupid human was standing on the front stoop with her hands on her hips; she looked worried. I remained perched on the branch just a few feet above her sight line and the large, stupid human did not see me either. The wind was blowing quite fiercely so I decided to retreat to a few branches below; this was a mistake because the hell hound caught my scent and started barking. He sniffed around the base of the tree and looked up…I had been discovered!
I quickly but carefully scaled the tree to the highest branch. The idiot canine danced around the bottom of the trunk and continued to bark; he pointed his nose in the air and alerted the humans to my location. The small, stupid one called my name and tried to coax me down from the branches but I would have none of it; I would not go back to captivity without a fight!
The view was magnificent from where I sat, I could see everything! The humans were frantic and I could hear the large, stupid one speak into some sort of device; he was relaying the fact that I was in the tree top and that he could not reach me. I was quite comfortable and would not mind bunking here for the night but my plans to do so were in vain. I sat and admired the night sky for awhile when I noticed a large, red truck with a hose and a staircase had turned onto the street; it stopped right in front of the prison and a man got out. He spoke with the prison warden and she pointed in my direction. He started to manoeuvre some sort of staircase and before I knew it he was almost eye level with me.
There was nowhere for me to go but down and once I realized how high up I was I started to get dizzy. I clutched the tree and the man in the uniform gently pulled me from the branch; the small, stupid human was crying again and the man handed me over to her. TRAITOR! I heard the large, stupid human mutter something like, “I could’ve done the same thing but I don’t have a ladder that’s tall enough…” I writhed with anger in the small, stupid one’s grasp and scratched at her face, the pain was too much for her to bear and she let go of me. I raced away from her clutches and returned to my backpack to gather my things when I spotted my arch nemesis…STEPHANIE.
The large, stupid human put on his running shoes after incessant nagging by the small, stupid one. I imagine that I would’ve given in as well, as there was no hope of her ever stopping until she got what she wanted.
I had a small sack packed with some essentials; my book The Great Catsby, some vittles that I had been sneaking away from the food room and storing in my lair, my grooming tool and my diary of course. I stuffed the items into a small backpack and hoisted it onto my shoulders. I was ready. I laid in wait until the large, stupid human attached a rope to Monty’s necklace; the door opened and freedom beckoned. I snuck quietly out the prison gate and victory was mine! I had made it! Misson Impossible was completed!
I stealthily hid in the bushes to remain undetected; I took off my backpack and decided that this would be my base. I would explore the outside world and return to my supplies if I needed them. At this point, the large, stupid human had become a smudge on the horizon and I decided that it would be a good time to venture out. I prowled close to the ground-there were noises that I had never heard before and things that I had never seen or smelled before, what a glorious expedition thus far!
I travelled further into uncharted territory and was soon at the base of the birch tree that stood in the prison yard; I had two choices, I could turn left at the edge of the grass or I could climb the birch tree to get a better vantage point and decide on a direction. I chose the latter and climbed the trunk of the tree, I quickly scaled to the top and perched atop a large branch…I could see everything including the large, stupid human and the canine beast who were returning from their voyage. All of the sudden the small, stupid human burst forth from the prison gate; she shouted at the large, stupid one and his canine companion, “I can’t find Seabass anywhere!” Her voice was filled with disdain. “Did you check the ceiling?” the large, stupid human asked with a smirk.
Little did they know that I was only a few feet above them and I was watching the whole thing unfold exactly how I had planned!
April 20, 2016- I crept out from my hiding spot and trotted down the hallway, I had to see this! The small, stupid human was wrestling what was left of the roasted chicken away from the hell hound. Simbicile was sitting in the corner grooming himself as if he had no idea how the chicken got into the jaws of the canine beast, but he had failed to clean a large hunk of meat from his own face!…Idiot!
The small, stupid human picked up the carcass and threw it in the trash…I suppose they would have to feast on a dry kibble called Capn Crunch again; I knew this because this is what the large, stupid human usually ate for dinner when the small, stupid one was working late. Monty trudged over to the small, stupid human and tried to make amends by covering her in his slobber. How disgusting and most ungentlemanly; I would never dream of doing such a thing to a human…you never know what germs and viruses they contain.
At this point the large, stupid human finally arrived and restrained the hell hound. He ensured that none of the carcass was consumed and that Monty had not swallowed any bones. He had not and would live to see another day much to my bewilderment and disappointment. The small, stupid human scooped up Simbicile and scolded him for his implication in the crime; he looked at me with displeasure and it warmed my frigid soul. A most excellent day so far!
I know that canines are vapid, vacuous creatures that can do little on their own without the assistance of humans but I had no idea to what extent. Apparently canines need to be let outside, to use their litter box…in public…where everyone can see them. But it gets worse, the stupid humans must gather the canines excrement in small baggies! I am unsure of what happens next, perhaps this is what is used to grow more canines…perhaps a fertilizer of some sort?
I formulated a plan and decided that when the mighty beast went for his evening ritual that I would escape undetected…now all I had to do was wait. Freedom would once again be in my grasp.
April 19, 2016- I sat in the corner of the room and seethed with anger. How dare the small, stupid human allow entry to this filthy mongrel? She was a terrible human and a terrible warden at that; alas, I would not stand for it.
Simbicile and Monty were in the food room bonding over bowls of feed, it seemed as though they had been old friends for years. Wait a minute…could it be that Simbicile asked for the prisoner to be transferred here so that he would have an ally against me? I sunk my claws into the leather sofa and shredded the corner of it while I thought. I was becoming more and more paranoid but for good reason.
My observation continued and I watched as Simbicile purred and rubbed his face against the hound…what a jerk! At that moment my hatred for the both of them became white hot and I knew that I needed to do something before I exploded in anger. I jumped onto the counter above where they were feasting and surveyed the situation; a cleaver, a bottle of wine and a pan of roasted chicken taunted me. I licked the chicken for a moment to steady my nerves when suddenly I heard footsteps in the stairway. I had to act quickly! I shoved the pan of chicken off of the counter and it hit the filthy animal square on the top of the head-SUCCESS!
I imagine that if this were a cartoon, a halo of stars would adorn him after such a blow! Monty and Simbicile looked at the chicken and started to feast, they licked at the juices and joyously feasted. Monty dragged the chicken across the food room floor and onto the living room carpet where he laid comfortably in front of the fireplace. I quickly jumped off the counter and sped down the hallway to my hiding place, I would miss the action but I would not implicate myself in the crime this way. When I was safely tucked away I heard the small, stupid human shout, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” My plan was starting to come together!