April 1, 2016– Simba fears that the small human will starve to death so he brings her sustenance in the form of various items he scavenges …this is why I think they are in cahoots with eachother and are plotting my demise. I will be extra vigilant because I don’t know what they are conspiring about behind closed doors. I tend to believe that the small human is not hungry but is just too stupid to hunt …Simba seems to take pity on her but I never will. I have been storing small scraps of meat in the furnace grate to keep up my strength and because I never know when my next meal will be.
Today I will be keeping watch from my perch on the back of the couch and surveying the neighborhood for any approaching danger. I do hope the zombies are out this morning, I have formed an alliance with them as they could potentially free me from captivity. It has been 2,190 days in these deplorable conditions and it is more than I can bear. I practice my evacuation drills by running at top speed down the hallway and down the stairs. I repeat this four times every day at precisely 2am. I finish my training by sharpening my claws on the new carpet at the top of the staircase. I will shred the fabric to my liking unless the small human lunges at me which often happens. Sometimes she does capture me, (most of the time I cunningly elude her grasp) but I push my paws onto her face to make space between us. She speaks to me in some sort of imbicileinan language that I cannot understand. I swat at her face and she releases me immediately…such a wretched woman.
I am making progress with my plans for the large human of which he is unsuspecting. I am bending his will to my own and have made him my litter box butler. I deliberately scatter the gravel all over the floor so he must clean it up…Peasant. I’ve located the newest piece of furniture and stretched up as high as I can…I dig all ten claws into it and slowly pull down. This pleases me very much, the feel of leather between my toes is glorious…it is the only pleasure I have.