September 25, 2016- The words one black cat rang in my ears. I looked at Bernard and he looked at me, I could tell by the fear in his eyes that I had heard correctly. My heart thumped against my ribs and I felt like I couldn’t breathe; I wasn’t sure if the large human would betray me or not…afterall, our relationship had been tumultuous, to say the least.
We pulled into a parking lot and I saw the warehouse that the large human had identified to the emergency voice on the speakers. The large human pulled the truck around to the side of the building and shut off the engine. “Stay here,” he said to both of us. I breathed a quick sigh of relief and watched as he reached into the back seat and grabbed a black carrier bag. “I really hope that they believe this is you,” he said as he shook his head.
I looked around for the police but there was no sign of them and no sound of sirens in the far off distance. I truly hoped that they would come barging in at any moment and save the day. There was no doubt in my mind that they were coming but I didn’t know how much time we had before things got even more dangerous.
I wondered what was in the carrier bag but was thankful that it wasn’t me. The large human shut the door and walked quickly to the back of the building out of sight.
September 6, 2016- I shushed Simba and gave him silent instructions to follow me to the backyard. The sound had stopped and then started again. I crept alongside Monty’s house and shivered at the sound that seemed to be getting louder. It was an odd kind of scraping sound like bone on bone. I held my breath as I dove into the bush to get a better vantage point. I signalled to Simba to stay where he was while I surveyed the situation.
I peeked out from the bush and scanned the back yard. The yard seemed to be empty except for the sound of scraping. There was a table, a couple of chairs and a kiddie pool but other than those objects there was nothing noteworthy. I needed to get a better look. There was an old shed at the South East corner of the lot and the sound seemed to be coming from behind it…I couldn’t be sure unless I got closer.
I motioned for Simba to take my place in the bush. He would be safer under cover that was for sure. I had no idea what was lurking in the yard. I gathered all of my courage and crept closer to the shed; I stopped and stuck myself up against the sideboards. Just a few more steps and I would make visual contact with the sound. I took three steps forward and cocked my head around the corner. “AAAGGGHHHH!” I screamed as I came nose to nose with an enormous creature that I had never seen before!
July 29, 2016-I turned around and saw that Hannah was still following us. The tall, thin woman and Edgardo had returned to their car and were trying to start it…soon they became just a speck in the distance. We all huddled close to Grandpa as we continued at top speed on the main road.
“We need to get to a police station!” Grandpa said, “As soon as I tell them what happened, they’ll help us!” I hoped that his statement was true but I couldn’t help but wonder if showing up in a stolen vehicle would have any bearing on the outcome of our fate. It was a crime of necessity-rare but true in this case. The sound of sirens gaining on us split through my ears…this could be our lucky break.
I had a strange feeling about this, I knew that we should pull over but something told me to keep going. Grandpa pulled the truck to a stop at the side of the road and jumped out of the truck-he went to tell the policeman everything that had happened. As he walked toward the cruiser the knot in my stomach pulled tighter and I hoped my eyes were deceiving me…the officer looked a lot like Henri. I watched as Grandpa stopped dead in his tracks; he must’ve thought the same thing because he turned on his heels and ran to the truck in a full out sprint.
Henri followed suit; he tried to tackle Grandpa but missed by a hair. Grandpa just made it back to the truck with Henri hot on his heels, just as he reached for the door, Henri made contact. Grandpa fell to the ground with a tremendous THUMP and the dust flew. I watched in horror as their bodies twisted in a thundering heap and I knew that I needed to take action.
July 5, 2016- My brain scanned the most direct route to the diamond. It’s fascinating how the mind works under pressure and I was glad that mine was still functioning considering the circumstances. It’s an odd thing really-with all of my special skills training, this was one situation that really bothered me. I think it was because I knew how much was on the line…Simba’s life was the cost of any error on my part and that made the stakes incredibly high.
Edgardo’s voice was in my ear again and he said, “Sensors shutting down in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO!” I sprang into action and raced towards the diamond! I skidded to the foot of the platform that housed the jewel and climbed up it as fast as my legs would carry me. I reached the top and snatched the diamond-there was no time to admire it’s beauty. I raced back to the dangling zip line; the sensors returned and filled the room again.
I looked up at Edgardo who was watching me from his post. “Hook yourself up and I’ll pull you,” he said. He left his post to initiate the pulley system and I knew that this was my only chance. I took the pad of paper and pen that I had stolen from the tall, thin human’s Chanel bag and scribbled furiously-I only had a matter of seconds. I wrote down the address of the Pet Hotel and wrote, “Stolen diamond at this location-help!” I clipped myself onto the zip line and began my ascent-as I dangled in mid air and finally reached the opening, I threw the pad of paper as hard as I could to the ground. The pad of paper crossed one of the sensors and the alarm was immediately activated! Lights and sirens went off inside of the museum and Edgardo shouted, “YOU FOOL!”
May 6, 2016-I went to the internet machine and Googled the word, Marriage, on the interwebs. Yuck. According to something called Wikipedia, Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws, as well as society in general.
Wed-lock…sounds like another name for a prison…hmm. My question is why the hell would anyone agree to a legal contract that outlines rights and obligations of someone, (especially with someone called in-laws…sounds scary) aren’t stupid humans smarter than that? Perhaps I just answered my own question…Anyway, back to the task at hand; Now that I knew what a marriage was, I knew what Simba was up to for sure. He was going to hijack the catering truck and consume all of the delicacies himself and distribute them among his hired minions! Not on my watch! If he was going to get delicious meats and cheeses so was I, he would NOT stop me…NO ONE would stop me! I would allow him to execute his feeble plan and then I’d swoop down at the last minute and take charge…this is how proper villains work- they allow others to do the work and then take all the glory.
According to the map I found the marriage would take place tomorrow just, a few houses down from the prison. This was especially fortuitous because I would no longer have to rent an armoured car to get there. Since the warden and the large, stupid human were at their laborious jobs, I had all the time in the world to do my detective work…apparently you can have anything and I mean ANYTHING delivered right to your door. I ordered many things; a new scratching post, a box of delectable treats, a machete, rope, night vision goggles, and a delightful mask to hide my identity! Oh and fourteen bags of catnip…for the after party of course. I rubbed my paws together and waited for something called AMAZON to arrive.
Monty snarled at me and bared his teeth; I had infuriated him and the best part was that he could not reach me under the nest. His massive body excluded him from tiny spaces but I was like liquid; I could seep into any spot and take on its shape…it was just another awesome feature of being me! He yelled at me but we do not speak the same language so I could not understand a thing he was saying. Perhaps this is why our species does not get along.
I imagined that the aftermath of our foot race was extraordinary, I did not look back to see the destruction but I heard glass drop to the floor…my assault on Monty was just the beginning! I could hear the humans unlocking the front door and waited with anticipation; I could barely contain myself, I wanted to hear them chastise the poor mutt. Monty heard the front door open as well and then something astonishing happened…Monty climbed up onto the nest and pretended to be asleep! How dare he! Why was he not greeting the humans like usual? Normally he shook his entire backside and ran in circles upon their arrival-what was happening?
I froze and waited, surely the stupid humans were not that…well…stupid. A huge gasp was heard down the hall and finally, “MONTY!” was yelled; the word thundered through the house! Boy, was he in for it, I just hoped that I could sneak out and witness the punishment. Monty did not move from his post. He laid on the nest and kept his eyes closed; his name was called again. He ignored the humans request to go to them and that is when I heard the sound urgent footsteps-they were coming for us.
April 19, 2016- I sat in the corner of the room and seethed with anger. How dare the small, stupid human allow entry to this filthy mongrel? She was a terrible human and a terrible warden at that; alas, I would not stand for it.
Simbicile and Monty were in the food room bonding over bowls of feed, it seemed as though they had been old friends for years. Wait a minute…could it be that Simbicile asked for the prisoner to be transferred here so that he would have an ally against me? I sunk my claws into the leather sofa and shredded the corner of it while I thought. I was becoming more and more paranoid but for good reason.
My observation continued and I watched as Simbicile purred and rubbed his face against the hound…what a jerk! At that moment my hatred for the both of them became white hot and I knew that I needed to do something before I exploded in anger. I jumped onto the counter above where they were feasting and surveyed the situation; a cleaver, a bottle of wine and a pan of roasted chicken taunted me. I licked the chicken for a moment to steady my nerves when suddenly I heard footsteps in the stairway. I had to act quickly! I shoved the pan of chicken off of the counter and it hit the filthy animal square on the top of the head-SUCCESS!
I imagine that if this were a cartoon, a halo of stars would adorn him after such a blow! Monty and Simbicile looked at the chicken and started to feast, they licked at the juices and joyously feasted. Monty dragged the chicken across the food room floor and onto the living room carpet where he laid comfortably in front of the fireplace. I quickly jumped off the counter and sped down the hallway to my hiding place, I would miss the action but I would not implicate myself in the crime this way. When I was safely tucked away I heard the small, stupid human shout, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” My plan was starting to come together!
April 17, 2016-“I have long feared that my sins would return to haunt me, and the cost would be more than I could bear.” Whoever said that was right, for that is how I was feeling at any given moment. I knew that Simbicile was plotting something against me and I hated how my guts churned in trepidation as I waited for the proverbial axe to fall.
I was reading in my lair as usual, The Great Catsby, when I heard a noise coming from upstairs; the small, stupid human was conversing with someone at the front of the prison gate. I crept up the stairs carefully to get a better vantage point of the situation; there stood a medium sized human and a small sized human (smaller than the small, stupid one that was imprisoning me). I had seen these humans before-they controlled the prison next to ours. The smaller one was holding some kind of rope but I could not see what was at the end of it. They were horrible captors I assumed because I would oft hear howling that came from their lawn but at least the canine that they were incarcerating got an hour of yard time…we didn’t get any at all.
My captors were ghastly and they always kept the place on lockdown…until this moment. I saw a glimmer of freedom-the front prison gate was left open! This was my chance; I inched my way closer and prayed that I would go undetected. I took a deep breath and felt a pair of hands on my backside; I whipped around and there stood Simbicile…he was pushing me out the prison gate! Thoughts swirled in my mind, why the sudden sense of camaraderie? I had been horrible to him and here he was assisting my escape! I had been wrong about him, I should’ve been a better cell mate!
Little did I know that this was all part of his sinister plan to get back at me for exposing his greatest fear…
March 29, 2016-A bird taunts me this morning as I look out onto the front lawn. He sits there…smugly eating some sort of seed. Perhaps he realizes that we are separated by a clear barrier and I am unable to harm him…this is my prison and I long to explore the outside world. It gets worse here everyday…This morning, the smaller human picked me up and cuddled me…oh how I hate her. She would not even share a morsel of her breakfast with me even though she sees how emaciated I am. My father, who the humans call Simba, is my only hope at true entertainment.I practice my hunting skills on him with the dream that one day I will finally be set free. I stalk him.When he is unsuspecting I pounce and then retreat…he runs after me but alas he is too chubby to catch me. A few days ago I locked him in the closet where the bath towels are kept. The smaller human let him out when he alerted her by scratching at the door. My plan to take over as the alpha cat has failed but I will try again soon. I tried to injure the smaller human today by weaving in and out of her legs while she took a basket of laundry to the basement…I was hoping that I could escape while she lay on the floor unconscious from the fall…but again…I have failed. I suppose that tomorrow is another day…but I am unsure of how much more of this I can bear.
Our prison mug shots…the conditions are deplorable…please look away
Seabass is my Maine Coon; Here is his diary…in his own words.
March 28, 2016-Dear Diary, This is my first entry of many. I shall keep this diary as a record of occurrences in case I need to refer back to it in the future. Today was just like any other. I awoke at 3:30 am…starving. I went to the humans’ room to alert them of my discomfort, but alas my attempts to wake them were for naught. The one I dislike the least rolled over and ignored me. The larger one, who once gave me a bath six years ago, snores so loudly that I often wonder if there is a wild animal at large.I remember the bath as if it were yesterday…I will never forgive the human for his betrayal. My hunger did not dissipate, so I tried once again to alert the clueless humans. This time I slightly dragged my perfectly manicured nails across the smaller human’s face-not enough to cut her but enough to send a clear message that my needs must be attended to immediately. This time my efforts were rewarded. She awoke and stumbled to the kitchen; she filled my dish with little more than enough food to feed a small rodent, let alone a majestic creature such as myself. I displayed my disappointment by flipping my food dish over and eating each morsel of food one piece at a time. Perhaps I will try again tomorrow…or perhaps she cannot be taught?