August 30, 2016- I paced back and forth as I tried to think of anything we could do to find the small human and alert the large one. I was fresh out of ideas so I let Simba have the floor. “Do you have any ideas?” I asked. He paused for a moment.”What if we…no. Nevermind,” Simba said sullenly. I could tell that he was quickly starting to lose hope and that I would have to be the one to think of something.
I looked around my lair for inspiration. My eyes scanned the room and came up with nothing…this was going to be difficult. “If I were a madman hell bent on revenge, where would I take someone?” I said as I tried to put myself into Henri’s shoes. “We need to go back upstairs…I feel like we missed something.” Simba did as I said and we entered the dining room once again. This time we were more thorough in our search. I glanced at the chloroform soaked rag that was still crumpled on the floor and decided to get a better vantage point. There were obvious signs of a struggle and my heart skipped a beat.
I jumped onto the table and looked around. A few papers, the resume that Henri brought and…a cell phone. “Simba, quick! Get up here, I think I found something!” I said. “What is it?” he asked. I pointed to the cell phone, “I think that it was recording the interview! I think that we may have video evidence of what happened to the small human!” Simba’s eyes widened and I his face was wrought with worry, “What are we going to do with it? How do we get it to the police ?” I thought for a second. “Wait! That’s it!” I had watched the small human call the large one a hundred times on this device. I knew that if we pressed the number 1 that it would dial his number. It was worth a shot. “Number 1 connects to the large human…I’ve seen it many times before!” I said to Simba.
I pressed the number 1 and nothing happened. I fiddled around with the screen but it was no use, I couldn’t figure it out. A few seconds later the phone rang…it showed ADAM on the screen…that was the large human’s name! He was trying to call her! I took a deep breath and pressed the answer button. “Yell as loud as you can!” I instructed Simba and we both started screaming.
August 18, 2016-The prison was silent. I glanced at my watch it was precisely 2:32 am. I took a deep breath and listened to the front lock unlatch. She was here…it was the tall, thin human and she was right on time. The door opened and the glare of a flashlight scanned the darkness; light passed over us and I set my watch for 30 seconds.
Bandit punched in the numbers 911 on his cell phone and put it on mute. He slid it under the couch and hoped that the operator could hear what was happening as our plan unfolded. I straightened my wig and the timer on my watch went off, “ATTACK!” I screamed at the top of my lungs and I charged at the tall, thin human. Bandit flipped on the lights and the next few moments passed in slow motion like a beautiful, disastrous dance.
The tall, thin human’s mouth gaped open in horror as she looked on in disbelief. I pivoted and grabbed Stinky. His weave blew beautifully behind him as I snatched him up and carried him to the top of the couch. I turned him around, lifted his tail and aimed it at the tall, thin human. “Say hello to my Stinky friend!” I shouted and he farted so hard. The stench filled the room and the tall, thin human screamed in terror. She clutched her eyes and Bandit began phase 2. He jumped on her back and started biting; she fell to her knees and the other animals jumped on the front and back of her.
What a sight to behold! Animals wearing wigs covered the tall, thin human; she tried to peel them off of her but it was no use. Stinky and I fled out the front door and ran to the black getaway car; he jabbed a shank into each tire and the air squealed out as they flattened. I ran back into the prison and saw that the next phase had been completed. The animals had made a chain with their wigs and had secured the tall, thin human. Her hands and feet were bound and a long brown wig covered her face. I heard the sounds of sirens getting closer and it was time for my comrades to scatter.
May 10, 2016-It was finally time. The small, stupid human left for work and I had all of the items that I needed to facilitate the robbery; Operation Luigi had officially begun. I followed Simba to the basement and like a ninja, I remained invisible…he looked behind him a few times before entering the secret tunnel but alas, I became merely a shadow. I quoted one of my favourite villains of all time while I thought of Simba sneaking around and one day I would say this to his face, “Ah, you think darkness is your ally? You merely adopted the dark. I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but blinding.”
He entered the corridor first and I set my watch. I waited precisely forty seconds and then entered behind him. The other mercenaries were waiting for him outside of the vent. He squeezed his massive girth through the tight space and was now free. I watched from inside the darkness for a moment and stalked the crew until they got to the corner. We rounded the sidewalk and there in all of it’s glory, was the Luigi’s Catering truck.
The smells from the truck danced on the wind and quickly floated to my nostrils; it was intoxicating. Simba gathered the unit and went over the final details of the plan. I remained in the bushes just out of sight and set my Panoramic Night Vision goggles to stun…just kidding, they don’t have that feature but I wished they did…Damn, that’s what I should’ve ordered from the Amazon-next time. The wedlock’s backyard was filled with tiny twinkling lights and a large, white tent; stupid humans filled the space and were dressed in fancy clothes. Simba finally announced, “It is time.”
April 30, 2016- I shook my head in amazement and it occurred to me that no matter what I did I would get blamed for it. I thought about that for a moment…so if I was going to get blamed for something I didn’t do, I might as well do whatever I want anyway! Yes of course! From now on I would do what I want!
I glared at Monty and I’m sure that my hateful stare struck fear deep into his heart. He did not remember who he was messing with! I am an evil genius, ice water runs through my veins and there is nothing that I am not capable of! Perhaps the mutt needed a gentle reminder of his place in our prison-perhaps I would be just the one to teach him that he was lowest on the totem pole…even lower than the stupid humans as far as I was concerned.
Later that night the stupid humans settled in front of the idiot box with the mutt and ate some sort of popped corn…I particularly like this stuff-especially the butter like topping which I lick off the corn kernels when no one is watching. I had already done that to this particular serving and watched as the stupid humans consumed it by the handfuls. As I watched them gorge…the large, stupid one especially, I realized that I needed a plan. A plan to get rid of the mutt for good but I would need help for what I had in mind…I would have to recruit Simba. I looked around-usually he did not leave the small, stupid human’s side, they were inseparable…but he was not at his usual post. I rushed to his hiding spot and he was not there either…it seemed as though Simba was missing.
April 17, 2016-“I have long feared that my sins would return to haunt me, and the cost would be more than I could bear.” Whoever said that was right, for that is how I was feeling at any given moment. I knew that Simbicile was plotting something against me and I hated how my guts churned in trepidation as I waited for the proverbial axe to fall.
I was reading in my lair as usual, The Great Catsby, when I heard a noise coming from upstairs; the small, stupid human was conversing with someone at the front of the prison gate. I crept up the stairs carefully to get a better vantage point of the situation; there stood a medium sized human and a small sized human (smaller than the small, stupid one that was imprisoning me). I had seen these humans before-they controlled the prison next to ours. The smaller one was holding some kind of rope but I could not see what was at the end of it. They were horrible captors I assumed because I would oft hear howling that came from their lawn but at least the canine that they were incarcerating got an hour of yard time…we didn’t get any at all.
My captors were ghastly and they always kept the place on lockdown…until this moment. I saw a glimmer of freedom-the front prison gate was left open! This was my chance; I inched my way closer and prayed that I would go undetected. I took a deep breath and felt a pair of hands on my backside; I whipped around and there stood Simbicile…he was pushing me out the prison gate! Thoughts swirled in my mind, why the sudden sense of camaraderie? I had been horrible to him and here he was assisting my escape! I had been wrong about him, I should’ve been a better cell mate!
Little did I know that this was all part of his sinister plan to get back at me for exposing his greatest fear…
I have a six year old Maine Coon mix named Seabass. To say that he is curious would be an understatement. There are so many things that your cat is exposed to on a daily basis that can be harmful and even fatal!
I’m here to inform you of some common household dangers that could hurt your kitty and tell you how to prevent an accident.
Open dryers and washing machines- There have been a few incidents of cats getting into washers and dryers with devastating outcomes. Cats love to hide in warm laundry and small spaces. Make sure that your washer and dryer are closed when not in use and be sure to check the machines before using.
Dropped pills-Have you ever dropped one of your medications on the floor and were not able to find it? It’s happened to everyone. This is especially dangerous if you have a cat because they could potentially ingest the medication that they found. Cats eat a lot of things that they find on the floor, whether it be a stray piece of sandwich meat that you didn’t see, a small strand of shredded cheese, a drip of milk from a cereal bowl and the list goes on. A good tip is to open all medications over the sink with the stopper inserted. That way you will be able to find the pill with ease and your furry friend will remain safe!
Hot surfaces-Cats love to climb on counters and this behaviour comes from wanting to perch high above everything to scope out their territory. This is especially dangerous if you have a flat top stove. Flat top stoves have a flush surface and can remain extremely hot up to 5-10 minutes even after being shut off. If your kitty likes to jump up on things this could result in major damage and suffering from burns! Train your cats to stay off of the counter by putting aluminium foil along the edges of all counter tops in the kitchen. Cats don’t like the sound of the feel of the foil and this will deter them from jumping up.
Cleaners, bleaches and disinfectants-Just like medication, the ingestion of these household products can prove fatal to your furry friend. Keep all cleaning materials out of reach. If your cat knocks over a cleaning supply liquid they may not drink it BUT if the liquid gets on their fur or feet they WILL groom themselves. Keep your cat safe by storing all products in an area where your cat cannot get into such as a locked cabinet.
Plants-I’ve touched on this before so please visit my post about plants that are toxic to cats on this blog.
Needles and thread-Don’t leave needles or thread unattended even for a second. Your cat could ingest them and then you have a horrible problem on your hands. Cats love string and that is one thing I never let mine play with. The string can get wrapped around their tongues or if they eat the string it could do internal damage. The same goes with needles, they could get one in the eye or body part, or internally. Please be vigilant when doing any kind of sewing or crafts and don’t leave anything unattended.
These are just a few household dangers that could pose a potential threat to your cat. Cats are naturally curious so they need your help to be kept safe!