September 25, 2016- The words one black cat rang in my ears. I looked at Bernard and he looked at me, I could tell by the fear in his eyes that I had heard correctly. My heart thumped against my ribs and I felt like I couldn’t breathe; I wasn’t sure if the large human would betray me or not…afterall, our relationship had been tumultuous, to say the least.
We pulled into a parking lot and I saw the warehouse that the large human had identified to the emergency voice on the speakers. The large human pulled the truck around to the side of the building and shut off the engine. “Stay here,” he said to both of us. I breathed a quick sigh of relief and watched as he reached into the back seat and grabbed a black carrier bag. “I really hope that they believe this is you,” he said as he shook his head.
I looked around for the police but there was no sign of them and no sound of sirens in the far off distance. I truly hoped that they would come barging in at any moment and save the day. There was no doubt in my mind that they were coming but I didn’t know how much time we had before things got even more dangerous.
I wondered what was in the carrier bag but was thankful that it wasn’t me. The large human shut the door and walked quickly to the back of the building out of sight.
September 12, 2016-A dark cloth blinded me and I writhed and hissed to try and free myself from my captor. I spat and snarled and tried to bite whatever was closest to me but it was no use, I could not get away. I was immobilized. I heard Simba scream at the top of his lungs and I could tell that he was putting up just as much of a fight as I was.
There was a muffled “Woof!” and a couple of growls so I knew that Bernard had also been captured. What had we gotten ourselves into? We were supposed to be the ones to save the human and here we were in just as bad of a spot! I felt myself being carried to the next location and I was terrified, not only for myself but for the small human because it had been hours since we last saw her and currently had no idea of her whereabouts. We were running out of time.
I managed to wiggle one of my hands out of the black towel that was binding me and I grabbed onto something with all of my might. Usually this would force my captor to release me but at this time it did not. I felt something familliar when I tried to dig my nails into whatever it was that I had grasped, but I couldn’t place exactly what it was. I heard the muffled “Woof!” again and was slightly relieved that Bernard was also being transported with me. I listened for Simba but there was only silence now.
September 2, 2016- I barrelled down the driveway and turned the corner at full speed. I was a man on a mission! Simba was right behind me, albeit a bit out of breath but that was normal for him. He was how would you say…a little less fit than I was. We arrived at Monty’s door and I paused for a second…”How are we going to do this?” I said. “What do you mean?” Simba asked. “I mean we can’t just knock on the front door and tell Monty to come outside…and…the last time he stayed at our house I kind of made his life miserable,” I said.
“Yes you did! And there was no need for that by the way,” Simba scolded. “Maybe it’s better if YOU ask him to help us…I can’t imagine he’d say no to you…he likes you remember?” I said. “Fine…I’ll ask but if he says no, don’t be surprised. Hide in the bushes so he doesn’t see you,” Simba said. I did as he told me and hid in the nearby bushes. I watched as Simba knocked on the front door. There was no answer. “Knock again! This time LOUDER!” I said. Simba motioned for me to get back into the bushes and then he knocked again and waited. No answer. Simba turned on his heels and walked towards me but stopped suddenly. “Did you hear that?” he asked. “No…what are y..” I stopped mid sentence, “I heard it that time! It sounds like it’s coming from the back yard.” “What do you think it is?” Simba said. I detected a slice of fear in his voice and to say that I was a bit nervous would be an understatement, “There’s only one way to find out…let’s check out the backyard.”
August 29, 2016-I shuddered at the thought. The fact that the small, stupid human had been taken was terrifying. If I knew anything about her though, I figured the kidnappers would bring her back within the hour because they were tired of her. I could just imagine them tossing her a bottle of water and her saying, “No. I don’t like this kind. Do you have any ice? You can’t seriously expect me to drink that! I want a coffee…non-fat, no whip, extra hot, double shot something or another.” She would definitely wear them out and I sincerely hoped that this happened.
“What are we doing? We can’t just stand around here! She needs our help! What if she’s…”Simba said and I interrupted him. “Calm down…she’ll be ok…I have a feeling.” Simba was pretty much hyperventilating at this point so I put my hands on his shoulders. “We will look for her. Follow my lead,” I said and I tore down the stairs to my lair. “We need to alert father some how! I don’t know how to reach him!” Simba said. “What?…” I paused, “You can’t be serious…that’s what you call the big, stupid one? Father?” I said incredulously. “Yes. He is my father and you should call him that too! He takes good care of us! You need to stop calling them stupid and start being thankful that they took us in. We would have been in real danger and still living on the streets had they not rescued us,” He said angrily.
Images flashed into my mind from the day Simba and I were taken from our family, tossed into a cardboard box and left outside in the rain. The big…human spotted the box in his backyard and came to our rescue. We have been with him ever since…that was more than 7 years ago. I supposed I should be grateful. He was a great father. I looked at Simba and said,”You’re right…we need to find the small human and alert the big one of her disappearance…but how?”
August 16, 2016-I smiled. I liked fame as much as the next cat but as far as I was concerned, I was already famous enough. I had made headlines in the paper, was on the news and people everywhere knew my name. Still, I was intrigued by Bandit’s plan.
Simba waltzed out of the nest and stretched and rubbed his eyes, “Bandit?…What are you doing inside? Oh no, it there another party that I don’t know about? Please tell me there isn..” Bandit quickly interrupted him, “No, I’m just here to visit and see how you guys are that’s all-not to worry.” He cut his eyes to me and smiled a really awkward smile…he almost looked like a hungry badger I’d seen once. I shot him a look that said knock it off and he cleared his throat, “Well…I guess I’ll mosey along then…Bye Simba!” “Bye Bandit,” Simba said and he headed back to the nest.
I waited until Simba closed the door before I said another word. “Well? What’s the plan? We’re running out of time!” Bandit cupped a hand to my ear and whispered the details of his plan. My eyes grew wide and my mouth hung open as he continued to divulge the idea he had. I shook my head a couple of times and gasped…he was crazy enough to think this might actually work…and so was I.
August 3, 2016-We were whisked away by the police van and taken to a clinic. As we entered the parking lot there were news crews gathered on the pavement; the bright lights burned my eyes and the high pitched sound of feedback from their microphones made me cringe. The officer who was driving the van pulled around to the back and we were taken inside. While inside we were examined for trauma, microchips and general health and well being. We were all given a passing grade after about a half hour of individual examinations.
We were then put into holding cells with clean water and vittles as waited for our humans to come and collect us. One by one they filtered in; the look on their faces was a mix of hope and sadness. The news coverage was so massive that it garnered attention from the entire nation. I caught a glimpse of a headline on the t.v. that read, “Diamond Heist Havoc Leads to Dozens of Animals Rescued from Crime Ring.” How exciting to be a bit of a celebrity…somehow I knew this day would come eventually.
I watched as Caleb’s human came through the doors of the building, it was a wonderful sight to behold; he jumped on her like a puppy and licked her face so much that I thought she might fall over. What a reunion-Callisto’s human collected her next. He gathered her up in his burly arms and she rubbed her cheek against his. I waved goodbye and a bit of my heart squeezed at the thought of never seeing her again…I would deeply miss her.
One by one the animals were released until finally it was only Simba and I who remained. Our stupid humans were finally here and we would happily go back to prison.
June 14, 2016-I shook in terror and screamed at the top of my lungs! Grandpa drew closer to me and held out the cylindrical, green gourd…it had been years since I had seen one and the sight of the Cucumis sativus made my blood run cold. For some reason many felines are particularly freaked out by this particular item and rightly so…I mean, it’s hideous!
I ran towards the exit and only then realized that the door was closed; I looked around nervously for an escape but alas, there was no hope. I did what any heroic wildcat would do in the same situation, I backed myself into a corner and hissed with all of my might. Grandpa threw the terrible object onto the nest and exhibited the welding gloves again; I growled and spit but it was no use-I had been captured.
He held me away from himself as if carrying a ticking time bomb. “That’s a good boy, easy now Seabass,” he said softly and lowered me into the animal transport device. He shut the door of the device and Simba and I were loaded into an unmarked vehicle. “Why can you never do as your told?” Simba growled. “Because I DON’T want to GO!” I growled back. “Get over yourself…this will be the best week ever! Gabriel stayed at a place like this and said it was terrific, I have high hopes plus I could use a bit of relaxation,” Simba said.
I stopped for a moment and looked at him incredulously, “Gabriel is a canine-he likes EVERYTHING!” I narrowed my eyes at him and said, “Plus, you’re really going to trust someone who rolls around in dirt like a common peasant?” Simba glared at me, “Yes, what choice do I have? You are always so skeptical…and by the way this is all YOUR fault! If you hadn’t have thrown that stupid party we would’ve been allowed to stay with Grandpa!”
I squeezed myself as far away as Simba as I possibly could given the circumstances and blew out a sigh, it was going to be a long week and I prayed for separate living quarters…I would discuss this with the concierge immediately upon our arrival.
May 6, 2016-I went to the internet machine and Googled the word, Marriage, on the interwebs. Yuck. According to something called Wikipedia, Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a socially or ritually recognized union or legal contract between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them, between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws, as well as society in general.
Wed-lock…sounds like another name for a prison…hmm. My question is why the hell would anyone agree to a legal contract that outlines rights and obligations of someone, (especially with someone called in-laws…sounds scary) aren’t stupid humans smarter than that? Perhaps I just answered my own question…Anyway, back to the task at hand; Now that I knew what a marriage was, I knew what Simba was up to for sure. He was going to hijack the catering truck and consume all of the delicacies himself and distribute them among his hired minions! Not on my watch! If he was going to get delicious meats and cheeses so was I, he would NOT stop me…NO ONE would stop me! I would allow him to execute his feeble plan and then I’d swoop down at the last minute and take charge…this is how proper villains work- they allow others to do the work and then take all the glory.
According to the map I found the marriage would take place tomorrow just, a few houses down from the prison. This was especially fortuitous because I would no longer have to rent an armoured car to get there. Since the warden and the large, stupid human were at their laborious jobs, I had all the time in the world to do my detective work…apparently you can have anything and I mean ANYTHING delivered right to your door. I ordered many things; a new scratching post, a box of delectable treats, a machete, rope, night vision goggles, and a delightful mask to hide my identity! Oh and fourteen bags of catnip…for the after party of course. I rubbed my paws together and waited for something called AMAZON to arrive.
April 30, 2016- I shook my head in amazement and it occurred to me that no matter what I did I would get blamed for it. I thought about that for a moment…so if I was going to get blamed for something I didn’t do, I might as well do whatever I want anyway! Yes of course! From now on I would do what I want!
I glared at Monty and I’m sure that my hateful stare struck fear deep into his heart. He did not remember who he was messing with! I am an evil genius, ice water runs through my veins and there is nothing that I am not capable of! Perhaps the mutt needed a gentle reminder of his place in our prison-perhaps I would be just the one to teach him that he was lowest on the totem pole…even lower than the stupid humans as far as I was concerned.
Later that night the stupid humans settled in front of the idiot box with the mutt and ate some sort of popped corn…I particularly like this stuff-especially the butter like topping which I lick off the corn kernels when no one is watching. I had already done that to this particular serving and watched as the stupid humans consumed it by the handfuls. As I watched them gorge…the large, stupid one especially, I realized that I needed a plan. A plan to get rid of the mutt for good but I would need help for what I had in mind…I would have to recruit Simba. I looked around-usually he did not leave the small, stupid human’s side, they were inseparable…but he was not at his usual post. I rushed to his hiding spot and he was not there either…it seemed as though Simba was missing.
Monty snarled at me and bared his teeth; I had infuriated him and the best part was that he could not reach me under the nest. His massive body excluded him from tiny spaces but I was like liquid; I could seep into any spot and take on its shape…it was just another awesome feature of being me! He yelled at me but we do not speak the same language so I could not understand a thing he was saying. Perhaps this is why our species does not get along.
I imagined that the aftermath of our foot race was extraordinary, I did not look back to see the destruction but I heard glass drop to the floor…my assault on Monty was just the beginning! I could hear the humans unlocking the front door and waited with anticipation; I could barely contain myself, I wanted to hear them chastise the poor mutt. Monty heard the front door open as well and then something astonishing happened…Monty climbed up onto the nest and pretended to be asleep! How dare he! Why was he not greeting the humans like usual? Normally he shook his entire backside and ran in circles upon their arrival-what was happening?
I froze and waited, surely the stupid humans were not that…well…stupid. A huge gasp was heard down the hall and finally, “MONTY!” was yelled; the word thundered through the house! Boy, was he in for it, I just hoped that I could sneak out and witness the punishment. Monty did not move from his post. He laid on the nest and kept his eyes closed; his name was called again. He ignored the humans request to go to them and that is when I heard the sound urgent footsteps-they were coming for us.