Simon’s Cat…Santa Claws

December 8, 2017-Oh Simon, I feel your pain!

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Bad, Bad, Badger!

October 24, 2017- I know that we always talk about cats here at the kitty cat clan so rest assured that the bad badger I’m talking about is part of a bigger story. Click on the link below to read the story from our friends at Metro UK!

Badger breaks into cat’s home, steals his food and sleeps in his bed

Badger breaks into cat's home, steals his food and sleeps in his bed

Seabass’ Diary…Day 17…

April 14, 2016- The small, stupid human turned her back to Simbicile after scolding him. A rage inside of him bubbled up because of the false accusations and he could take no more. He CHOMPED down on the back of her ankle as hard as he could and she squealed out in pain! This was one of the best days of my life! I prayed that the wound was deep enough that she would slowly pass away from blood loss.

Simbicile let go of her ankle and sped away…perhaps he was learning a few things from me? One could only hope! His alliance would make it easier to do away with the humans. The small, stupid one hobbled to the litterbox room and cleaned her wounds. I laughed loudly…what a glorious turn of events; I would soon dethrone Simbicile to become the chosen one! I watched from a distance; Simbicile slowly crept into the litterbox room and sat loyally beside the stupid one’s feet. She cleaned the dripping blood off of herself and just stared at him. “I have no idea what’s gotten into you but I don’t like it!” She said to him and this seemed to crush his spirit. But their bond was stronger than I thought…she gently picked him up and held him. He rubbed his face against hers and started to purr.

But why? What was happening? My plan had failed and I was angry! Their act made my blood run even colder and at that moment I realized that their bond could never be broken no matter what…and at that moment I made a choice. I would not frame Simbicile anymore, no, I would take ownership of my destruction and create more chaos. While those two idiots were canoodling, I would be plotting more mayhem and would begin at this very moment to resume my reign of terror. I raced into the food room and jumped onto the counter, there was foliage in a glass container with dirt in it; I swatted it onto the floor, dirt spilled everywhere and there was a thunderous crash! I continued to throw objects to the floor that got in my way; there was no stopping me! A jug full of liquid, a glass plate, even a jar of treats all crashed to the floor. The jar that held our rewards when we were “good kitties” spilled open (We barely ever received these morsels because the small, stupid human clearly did not recognize good behaviour) and I ate as many as I could as quickly as I could because I could hear impending doom… and it was headed straight for me…

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The Chosen One…Mugshot circa 2016

Seabass’ Diary…Day 14

April 11. 2016-The wretched human reached for me with the gloves and pulled me out of the corner. She petted my fur gently and with every stroke I died a little inside; I hated when she touched me and was contemplating which appendage to rip off of her first. She proceeded to put me in the basin but not without a fight! The small, stupid human managed to immerse me in the water but I quickly emerged, soaking wet from tip to tail. I started growling; she was insufferable and I could not put up with this blatant attempt on my life any longer! She grabbed at me as I leapt onto the edge of the basin and straight for the doorway; I scratched her arm with my razor sharp claws and her blood ran into the basin and turned the water red-Success was imminent! As luck would have it the large, stupid human opened the door at that exact moment and I sped down the staircase and into my lair.

The stupid humans raced after me and somehow manged to abduct me and take me to a second location which was the clothes cleaning room. I saw the basin and started to writhe in anger; I would not be submerged again! I hissed and spat at them as a final warning and my eyes ignited with anger; I would rip them to shreds if they tried to assassinate me again. Simbiclile was watching from a distance and suddenly, a brilliant plan entered my brain! I ran over to Simba and took him as my hostage. I pushed him out in front of me and used his massive girth as a barrier between me and the humans. I would not hesitate to trade his life for my own! The small, stupid one struggled to lift him and suddenly I was covered in darkness…the world had gone black and I was entangled in some sort of blanket.

I was lowered into a basin with the blanket still covering me all except for my face, a sudden rush of warmth spread over my chiseled, adonis like body and three hands held me in place. Another hand poured the water over the blanket and it became totally saturated. The water was black with dirt, I howled out in pain and managed to get a paw out of the restraint. The stupid humans rubbed the blanket over me and my fur stood on end; I jumped from the basin and sped off to my hiding spot to try and groom the poison off of myself…it would take the next seventeen consecutive hours to restore my majestic coat to it’s original luster and sheen…the night would be long and tedious but at least I would have the chance to plot revenge to deliver to Simbicile to repay him for his betrayal. I knew exactly what needed to be done and looked forward to his demise! Mwah ha ha…

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Vehicle of suffering! 

 

Seabass’ Diary…Day 7

Hello everyone, Sorry for the delay in my entry! The small human ran a 30 km race yesterday and is in extreme pain…she can barely sit down…But who cares about her? Certainly not I! You know why? Because she did it to herself!

April 4, 2016-Today has been uneventful. I slept in my lair for most of the day because depression has fallen  over me like a cloud on a rainy day. I have decided that I need to work on my exercise regime…in no way do I wish to look like Simbicile and I’m afraid I’m starting to get soft around the edges. I came up with an excellent exercise to improve my forepaw strength and my abdominal muscles as well; I stood in front of the new drapes and jumped as high as I could, I dug in my claws, relaxed and just hung there, suspended, high above the ground. I slowly released my back claws and pulled myself up to the top bar of the curtains. I walked along the bar and jumped to the ground…I repeated this five times.

After working up quite the appetite I went to the kitchen and followed a tantalizing aroma to a bin where the humans store their scraps of meat and other foodstuffs. I climbed inside and the bin fell sideways, it scattered a glorious buffet of meats and other delicacies onto the freshly washed floor. Simbicile tried to approach the smorgasbord but I protected the perimeter by growling deeply at him. I am quite sure that I sounded like the king of the jungle and he quickly retreated in terror, only to watch me from a distance in the dark. Let it be known that this was my revenge for the moth. I was quite curious why the small human did not attend to me…in situations like this she usually ruins all of my plans…perhaps her injuries have taken her life or broken her spirit at least…of these two things I can only hope!

I went into the humans’ litterbox room and turned on the sink faucet…I’m not sure why but I can only ever open the one that contains the hot water. I sat on the countertop and enjoyed the steam, it was absolute bliss and I enjoyed my own personal sauna time as most times I have to share with the small human. I retreated from my exhilarating steam bath and sat by the barrier. Alas, a human out for a walk with some sort of canine. I had seen this canine many times and had heard the human address the hideous creature as Cinnamon.Cinnamon is my arch nemesis…or one of the top twelve at least. I hated her with every fibre of my being. Every time she walked by I positioned myself to puff out my luxurious, shiny mane and defend my territory. I hissed and spat at the clear barrier so that Cinnamon would know she was not welcome here. It worked and she kept guiding the blind man to his destination…If only I had a stick to throw! Oh what a glorious day that would be! Stupid human…putting your life in the hands of a canine, have you no sense?! Speaking of stupid humans the small one, who makes my life a living hell,  was nowhere to be found. I dashed to her nest and there she was, fast asleep. I stepped on her face because she was blocking the only entry way to the large humans pillow. This disturbed her from her slumber and she slowly rolled out of bed. I watched her hobble like a three legged toad and mocked her! She would never be able to catch me in her condition, victory was finally mine!

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Cinnamon, how I hate her…