April 10, 2016-The small, stupid human thundered up the stairs and tried to capture me. I snuck through her grasp and once again eluded her for at least the 30th time that day. No doubt she would abandon her hope of apprehending me soon and I could continue on with my day peacefully and secure in the knowledge that I had beaten the humans once again. They were no match for me…if they were coming to a battle of the wits, they were most certainly unarmed. I laughed maniacally while I rubbed my paws together; YOU FOOLS!
I sat smugly on the shelf in the shoe room and waited for the small, stupid human to enter so that I could drop a shoe squarely on her head…but she never did. I waited and waited but… nothing. I was becoming impatient and then I heard it…the sound of a can opener! OMG! Could it be? Was she finally giving up and giving in to our demands because we had finally broken her spirit? The small, stupid human deprives us of wet food stuffs because the lead alien once told her that such food was, “McDonwalds for cats.” Well, I’ve never been to this McDonwalds that they speak of but I imagine it’s a glorious place with magnificent food! (*Disclaimer-my husband and I DO NOT share Seabass’ view and or opinions of McDonwalds nor does this blog…for a list of healthy alternatives to fast food please visit your doctor.*) I could hear Simbicile whining for the glorious can of meat and there was no way that he was going to greedily have it all to himself! I raced to the kitchen where the small, stupid human was dividing the smallest can of feed that I had ever laid eyes on. Surely this wasn’t enough to calm my raging appetite so I glared at her but approved her offering with disgust.
I should’ve known at that moment that something was wrong. Something inside of me told me to run and hide…RUN AND HIDE, but alas, the promise of the can was too much for me to bear and I was hypnotized under it’s magnificent power. DAMN YOU CAN! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL! My judgement was cloudy and I was intoxicated by the taste…this proved to be a most fatal error.
The large, stupid human entered the feeding area and whispered,”It is done,” and the small, stupid one nodded. She scooped me up and whisked me away to the litterbox room. She closed the door firmly behind her. There were instruments of torture at the ready; a small washcloth, my grooming tool, a towel/blanket, the gloves from the alien’s building and a large puddle of water in an enormous basin. I let out a screech and wriggled my way out of her death grip; every feline knows that water makes us melt and it is the same chemical reaction that happens when a vampire sits in the sun. My greatest fear had been realized…the humans were not divided, in fact, they were working together toward my demise. They were getting smarter and for this, I was afraid. My pupils dilated and I shrunk into the corner of the room…the end was near.